This is for you Tim.
May 3, 2011 Leave a comment
There are many people who read my blog, from loved ones to friends to family members I have known since my earliest waking memory. But there is one person I am writing this blog for. One person who I would gladly and willing take this personal forum of mine and write a personal letter to, and that friend is you Tim.
Over the years I have made many friends. Some have stayed, most have gone, many others I question whether or not their were truly my friends to begin with, but you are the only one I have known as my Best Friend. Even before I started using the term I knew there would be a person who would hold that honor above all others. A person so loyal to me that I could swear we were of the same flesh. Someone so in-tune with me that I would swear we were of the same mind. And someone so selflessly concerned over me that I could swear we bled the same blood. And Tim that person was you. A friendship that was born over internet videos and online Role Playing has grown into something I could never have imagined.
I remember back in our senior year of college when I lived off campus I was so afraid of losing you as a friend. I understood that you sometimes found it hard to exert the socially acceptable amount of effort required to keep relationships from fading out of view. If anyone I could easily sympathize with that idea (seeing as how our mothers seemed to find it absolutely necessary to contact the other when one of us went missing for extended periods of time.) I could let other relationships fall and fail and I will admit I have a fair share of people learn to dislike or neglect my presence simply because I was not willing to take that extra step, but I wasn’t going to let that happen to you and I. I remember days where my knuckles would get soar from pounding on your door. I remember leaving the basement hall and walking around the entire May’s Dormitory just so I could climb to your window ledge, and if I had even the faintest hope of seeing even a pile of clothes covered in comforters on you bed I would return and continue knocking until someone answered or let me in. Many times I remember seeing the perturbed look on your roommates face as he told me disdainfully that you weren’t there, and without even an apology I would scour the campus for you, call all of our closest friends and check every nook and cranny of the campus until I found you…and I always would. Despite exerting such energies and hearing you apologize profusely I was simply happy to be in your presence. And I did it again the following day and again and again and again. Even when we were both working at C2 Education and were so exhausted and distraught from working I always wanted to find some way to be around you.
I needed you around, even if I didn’t have food or money enough for myself I wanted to feed you because being around you fed some hunger within me I could not sedate. And I know that you’re thinking to yourself that that hunger has dissapeared. I know sometimes you think that I’ve grown too much for you. I needn’t remind you of how many people in just the past few months have betrayed my trust or ignored me to live lives without me to the point where you felt like the only person in the world I could truly trust. I needn’t remind you how much I loved talking to you over Skype and begged you not to leave each time you had to leave for work. I needn’t remind you of how much I opened up to you, and found that you were the perfect mirror image of me. I don’t need to tell you how that felt, because I know that you already know.
Tim, the only thing that has changed man is my location. I’m as much a visitor here in this country as I am a prisoner of it. I can’t drive around and knock on doors until my knuckles turn white looking for you, I’m thousands of miles away. I can’t call our friends to find you, because you’ve dissapeared from their view as well. I can’t call your phone a thousand times, though god knows I’ve tried. I’m completely powerless here Tim. I’m like a starving child, too stupid to comprehend my situation and too inept to conquer it. I need you man.
Tim I want you to look at something.
This is the coin you gave me right before I left. It’s an old 1982, 500 won coin. You gave this to me in case I ever needed it. I have to be honest Tim 500 is less than $.50 and the coin in and of itself is worthless, but when you gave it to me you said something else that made it priceless in my eyes. You told me to give it back to you when the year was over. Then you promised you would come to Korea with me next year. I swore that I would return it and we would spend a year in Korea together. I swore that I would help you out and teach you everything I knew. We would save money and live life like kings then see things few people in this world would ever see. Even if you didn’t have the money for the flight I said I would give it to you. I promised that to you my friend. But what good is this promise if I don’t have anyone to carry it out for? This coin is as worthless as the metal it was printed on without you Tim.
If you want to be left alone thats fine. I respect your desires, I always have and I know your family will too. Yes, it hurts that you need to be away from us, but we can live with that fact as long as you are happy. Hell you don’t even have to tell us where you are. It’s enough for me just to know that you’re alive and alright. Hell, if you can’t tell anyone else tell me! You know if you send me just one single message I’ll honor ever wish you ask of me. You know if you needed something I would starve myself to make sure you get it. You know I have and will never betray your trust. I don’t care if you want to get away Tim no one does. NO ONE EVER HAS! You just always forget that if you tell someone something they won’t bother you! Chauncy didn’t mind when you ignored his calls. I didn’t mind when you say you can’t see me immediately when I want. Your parents don’t mind if you go off on your own. No one has never tried to stop you man. Think back to the history of college no one has every consciously tried to hold you back, not ever.
Tim what you’re doing right now is blowing off the interview without a word. Remember all those times we went to job interviews and never got a message back? Remember how relieving it was even to get a negative response as opposed to waiting for weeks and months just to get a no as we squirmed and relived every moment of the interview over and over in our head! Right now thats what you’re doing. Right now I’m going over every word I said to you to see if you doing this was my fault. Right now I’m thinking that coming to Korea was probably the worst idea in the world because it has already cost me the relationship with a woman I loved, a family member I loved like a brother and now the closest friend to me in the world. Right now I’m wondering why you vanished on my birthday and I’m re-reading every single line of the email you sent me looking for clues to why you did this or if you were trying to tell me something. Right now I’m wondering if you’ll ever even see this message. I don’t care if its my fault that you did this, or if you left on vacation and just forgot to tell somebody, I don’t care what the reason is at all or even if you want to stay wherever you are I only want to make sure you’re still ALIVE. I love you Tim, Damnit just tell me something so I don’t have to think the worst!
I don’t know where you are or what you’re doing but I am going to publish my personal phone number on this public blog in hopes that you can reach me. If you are in Korea I will put a roof over you’re head, clothes on your body and food in your mouth, and if you’re anywhere else I’ll come and find you and take you with me. The honest to god truth is that we can get you a job working at a Hagwan here making twice as much as I am for half the effort and none of the planning RIGHT NOW. I have friends in high places and you know I’d make anything happen for you.
Since writing this post I have discovered that Tim was located and is safe and sound. It is a huge relief to know that he is alright. I would like to maintain however that this post was still made for his benefit and restate that all posts made here unless they are made by Tim will be deleted.